This is not a relationship

This is not a relationship

I thought being in a relationship will make me one step closer to the person that I want to bring.

I thought being in a relationship can solve the underlying issues that I had with myself and my contact with the world.

My definition of a relationship is very simple. Two people who are absolutely in love with each other.

Whenever I see something cool like a YouTube video of " journey of a guitar solo" or batdad, the first person that I thought of sharing this too would be Spanky. Whenever I go play one on one basketball or go jogged, I would think about how it would be if I were to play basketball with my Spanky. If I were upset with something about my day, I would want to talk about it with Spanky and cry infront of my ipad because it's difficult enough maintaining a relationship in two parts of the world.

However, in Spanky 's world, everything just seems to be closed in like a rubber ball. I cannot get my thoughts across and his feelings he will never share.

For many  months, I've been unsatisfied with what we call a relationship. I have been able to get my thoughts out over and over again. Sometimes just when I think he understands and the relationship improves, he goes back to being the old unreachable, too busy emotionless workaholic

'no, no no,  the relationship is not about you. It's about us.' Spanky would always say.  He knows what I want, but he never tells me what he wants. So I think it's OK to be a bit greedy to listen to me talk about my day... Because I love him and he loves me too right?

Well, it's been difficult enough to even reach Spanky in th past years. What makes me think I get the privilege to tall to him now that we are together.

I am deeply hurt and offended by what he told me through Skype tonight. "birds of a feather flock together". How can I girl who cannot figure out her own way in life, actually find someone who can help her out of her ditch? How can a problematic person attractive another sane person?

Many times I think that we are just two lonely hearts who just happens to have a conversation topic... In the short run its fine, but do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn' treasure me and take interest in anytime in my life?
Tbc guitar class