Then the room became silent. There were tears in his eyes. Spanky was always a cry baby, his tears were long immune to me, but this one was different. There was a type of sorrow that revealed that went deep with him. A strong emotion of past memories flashed in front of him. Memories that i thought he put down a long time ago,
Ive knew I've cross the line. In fact, i don't ever throw things when i am angry. The only time I've thrown things was when i was 8 and ive throw some oranges from the fruit bowl.
Then Spanky spoke " blah blahbkah blah blah...."
Just like Spanky, i don't hear words, i hear emotions.
The only thoughts in my mind was that I didnt want to lose Spanky. --- I just wanted to catch his attention. The more commotion i caused, the more he would notice me..and then eventually,ill have to climb that ladder of dramatizing things..then he would listen...shouting felt good, its was always how i would express myself.----
--/I didn't want to lose Spanky. Ive only attended one wedding my whole life, it belonged to my cousin Fengfeng. A year later, ive heard from my dad that they divorced. It was because FF was always travelling and heard hat his wife felt left out and isolated, and there goes a over hundred thousand rmb worth of a wedding. This is not the only story either, my vocal coach had similar problems with his ex, he chose me to the the party to eress this thoughts with when he complained thatshe would always complain that he would not spend enough time with her and no matter how he explained to her, she just wouldn't understand. Back then, i didn't understand enough about love to understand, so i took his side. Funny how its much easier observing the relationship of others. ..... One year later, they got back.... He didnt tell me why though.
---/I didnt want to lose Spanky. Somehow our love felt so comfortable that it felt like i could take anything for granted. Like my parents. Te only time could ever express my love was to my parents. Although i probably do a shitty job of doing that too. For that split second,the unconditional love that i thought i got from Spanky was not that unconditional at all.
-...........………
In retrospect, no one will ever treat me as well as daddy would. I guess it took an argument with another loved one of the opposite sex to find out.
I hate learning through mistakes.
I hate being aware of my problems when mistakes occur. How many mistakes in love and work in the past to make me the person i am today?
Alot.
From one mistake, i sudden start connecting the dots of all the things that could be potential problems.
1. I want to have more time to spend with my friends. I want more meaningful friendships
Problem: im self centered
No time
Too shy to expand my circle of friends
2. I want to engage in more musical circles. Because i like emerging myself in street or popular music. More than that i love performing.
Problem: dont enjoy practicing
Low motivation
Wish cc were here
3. I want to solve my tantrum throwing
How to solve:
Broaden my horizons
Enjoy life, enjoy quality time spent with various people on various events
So that my world can expand, and the initial triggering event will be so small in comparison to my world and it would not upset me.
To conclude,
I love Spanky a lot and i love myself a lot. I want to stop throwing tantrums for the benefit of both of us. I want us to be happy.
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