Someone that I used to know

On my way to the gym tonight, I passed by the usual vending machine where all the street dancers gathered to freestyle during the night time. Our campus had a joint university dance performance, although I missed it, it did motivate me to practiced a few of my rusted moves on some Tyga music...

Infact, it even reminded me of a hip hop dancer who I used to date 2 years ago. I know he lives in my neighborhood, and that he practices near those vending machines (it was actually where we met). I've even seen him, once...or twice on the footbridge...Once I even saw him holding hands with, I assume was his girlfriend (who looked exactly like the girl who he celebrated his birthday with on his instagram) (Not that I, have his instagram) I was already dating and in love with Spanky at that time, but somehow, that image of them holding hands still flashes itself in my brain...This is why I only look at empty spaces when I walk on my footbridge now. I choose to not see anything (that upsets me)

Anyways, I thought I would keep my eyes out for familiar faces (some of my old colleagues freestyle there too)...and Lord and behold, the guy who broke my heart 2 years ago was there.

Actually, I was too exhausted from my day to care about some guy who I once dated briefly a very long time ago. At most, if he sees me, I'll say a hi.

However, it was his reaction that...really made me want to blog in the first place...

 Although he took his glasses off when he was dancing to (his weird electronic + hammering + drilling + construction NOISE) music, he recolonized me and grooved towards where I was heading (I was heading straight and he was heading sideways) his eyes never off from me, squinting to get a closer look to see if who he saw was someone who he think he just saw. uh-oh, I'm too hungry to think, why didn't I eat more?? I mirrored him and squinted back. This all happened in a duration of seconds, but we did keep migrating to a point (or to each other as observers would call it) , eyes on each other until we were so close that we could whisper and still hear each other.

This was when I shifted my glance and sped up my walking. Admitting that I was calm would be a lie (although it was mainly because of the shock of seeing someone that I used to know), because 5 minutes later, I lost my gym card ==" Damnit, that's 50 bucks down the drain.

In retrospect, I used to think that dating guys in quantity would be cool and that I would have a good "resume" of guys, but I guess I never thought about the consequences of seeing them afterwards...
Somehow I thought it would always be a "haha, look at me now, I am blah blah blah successful", but instead I felt uncomfortable, will he talk to me after I leave the gym? What should I say when he asks about my singing dream? Should I tell him that I am dating now? But that will be boasting? WIll he still think that I haven't got over him?

As uncomfortable as I felt about a person who I once cared so much about; it also made me realized how uncomfortable it must be for Spanky,to pester him about information on the people whom he once loved so much, but the relationship just didn't make it due to various reasons.

I learned (today). I'm sorry Spanky, I'll try to be less insecure of myself, and ask you less about your ex,(es), because although past feelings could never be erased, the past is the past and  we'll get over it. It's the present that really matters :)

Lawrence & Spanky hip hop remix

Here and now

Yesterday, I was given an opportunity to role play a therapist - client session for my counseling class. Afterwards, my assessor gave us a collective comment.

Something that really stood out for me was when she said, a lot of depressed people often look too much into the past; while people with anxiety look too much into the future. Then she stressed on the here and now state of being.

This reminded me a lot of the raisin experiment during the last counseling lecture . I experienced the here and now effect, it felt really relaxing, almost sleepy.

Anyways, I think the sky is beautiful today. I took a moment to stop and look at the beautiful sky above my campus grounds.

Dependence

I want to be independent. I want to be able to completely take care of myself regardless of my environment. 

I want to be financially independent, enough to the point where my income can satisfy my expenditure.

I want to be intellectually independent and I want to increase my opportunities to absorb the wisdom that will propel me to be the independent person.

I think with those mentioned above. I might be able to be one step closer to achieving self actualization.

- - -
Tbc

Graduation

Seeing people in graduation gowns (penguins outfits) never meant anything for me. College seemed nothing more than a place to bypass time, so that I could figure things out before I entered into the labor world.

This is exactly why 2 years, dressing up in a gown for my graduation ceremony in HKU space seemed like a waste of my time. I had a singing competition later in the evening. I don't want to waste my morning getting my pictures taken in a community college.

Currently,  I am in my final year in uni. I've been invited for a few photo taking sessions with my senior friends.   Talking to them gave me a realization that this would be me soon. That I will be graduating and leaving  the education world to a cruel cruel official cubicle working 9 to 6, alternative Saturdays and occasional overtimes, with no financial allowances from my parents and still residing with my parents.

So I've made a choice.  My path is mine.  I do weigh my consequences when I make decisions, but for the first time, I want to live independent of my parents and work in a place that makes both me and my parents proud.

I want to start a business of my own. I have a clear vision of what it is a lot I can see so many twists and turns and obstacles in my path. But oddly, I actually feel excited. I'm starting to see the world differently now. Like the role of my relationship with the world has changed from user to creator.  And I anticipate every day to come.

 It's both good and bad. The bad is that I am constantly tired. Maybe I'm not used to thinking so much... I also can't fall asleep at night. And I wake up super early in the mornings :(

I don't know how graduation story got to this. I should probably change the subject name.

Good News

Continuing off of last night's entry..My mom is feeling a lot better. it could be because of these 3 reasons:

1. My dad returned from Shanghai

2. I started sharing my visions into the future

3. I told her to look forward to grandkids...

While, I was having my normal chicken leg of the meal. My mom came up to my all excited, tell me about how she used to be the person in charge of the product's development life cycle. How it went from product testing, to ingredient testing, to patents.....

Funny, just last night I was thinking about how I could consult my mom on chemistry on my vision into the future last night, she thought of the same thing...

Then she went on into parenting, and how and what I should feed my kids so that they'll grow tall and big...well, it's a little bit too soon for that...but I'm glad to see sparkle in my mom's eyes.. :)

Out of Reach

I dont like waking up in the middle of the night due to hunger, to find the roach problem in the kitchen to magnify. Sometimes an unsolved problem turns malicious. Ive turned a blind eye to this problem in May thinking it'll get better in the winter. I was wrong. Its survival of the fittest here. Its totally creepy. Here I am in a corner staring at a flying cockroach with long whiskers. Its way up in the ceiling, it flies and it feels like I've killed a lot for tonight. But somehow this roach in plain sight disturbs me. Im scared. What if crawls to my room?

My momma used to always kill roaches in midnight. Now she  decided to sleep in. My dad was in Shanghai for a few days so no one was always scrubbing the place. One weeek ago, I thought the problem with roach problem was alright....

Spanky suggested hiring a terminator back then in june, but then my parents worry about the food contaminating and the hasstle of moving things out of the kitchen. 

A further elaboration of my worries would be, what would my parents do when I move out? I told my mom I was at that age where I had to move out. Although she understood, I still worry about her health, her further degree of loneliness, how empty the house would be...I often would tell Spanky how I feel about all of this, I wonder what he really thinks inside?

The Bigger Person

I remember last time I had a really silly argument with a classmate, when, yes HE STARTED IT FIRST. I went home and reflected on the situation and called my bestfriend, who surprising gave me some good advice:

• Be a lady with class
• Be the Bigger Person and let these small things past. 

I guess I just have to remind myself over and over again to be the bigger person :)

New Beauty Blog

Hello beautiful viewers,

Due to the high response in my "No Shampoo Hair wash”  blog, I've decided to go more into detail in my DIY beauty treatments in my new blog www.SpankyPandaBeauty.blogspot.com

Please check it out!

SpankyPanda :)

No Shampoo hair wash

I've always had this huge bottle of apple cider vinegar in my kitchen for the longest time ever. I was totally impressed by its health benefits and weight loss mechanisms. So I purchased a bottle. However, I had a terrible reflex system and even a very very diluted ACV seemed like a super acid drink.

Some time this year, I've overcame my laziness to try DIY beauty treatments.  I was always advict of skin care products, 5 years ago, I tried so many Japanese / European /American expensive line of skin care products, that my parents decided to stop funding my skin care routine. There were both ups and down to this situation, the ups were that I did not have to take a deep breath and bet my face 's safety on an expensive chemical to make or break my face.

Then at some point of time, I looked into haircare. This was back in the time where I would dye my hair every 2 months for 2 consecutive years and I've been through almost every shade of red and brown. I've also got nasty hair extensions for 2 years, that I would take out and get new ones put in. The dying and the hair extension tension was just so much for my hair that when I finally decided to do nothing with my hair, a massive amount started to fall out (shed). I was so scared of the hair loss that I've resided to hair loss masks and shampoos just to find a reverse effect. So I tried to target the root of this and looked into the ingredients of my shampoo. Then I looked into the ingredients of a rather famous horse hair shampoo and read their reviews on the Internet. Apparently even the horse shampoo had Sodium Lauryl Sulfate ( a chemicals used in car wash), even  worse than SLS was Aluminium Lauryl Sulfate (which could be found in commercial brands like Patentene, Dover..) and only organic brands did not contain these harmful ingredients.

However, there are two reasons why I do not like using organic shampoos
1. High cost
2. Weird smell

Being the frugal soon to be college grad, I had to figure out a way to be cost efficient, while making the most out of the products that I had at home or cheap food goods.

In the past 2 weeks, I've experimented with
1. Honey Olive oil + sugar mask (face mask)
2. Coconut oil (hair mask)
3. Apple Cider Vinegar (hair mask) 

So far I'm liking the results :)

Happiness is....

...sleeping in late

....eating fishballs

....drinking coffee

...skipping class

Now does that make me a socially lazy person? 

I like to sleep in because i get insomnia from hyperbrian activity ( I'm serious) and cant fall asleep..

I like to eat fishballs because its the most non fattening fingerfood i can get on the go..

I like to drink coffee because its the only luxury item that i can afford..

I like to skip class because it has a depressing atmosphere and it makes me depressed...

Coffee and fishballs can usually counteract getting up in the morning and going to class, it makes me more receptive to the information taught, it makes me a friendlier person to people around me and puts a smile on my face whenever I Skype Spanky, but...but at the end of the month, i look at my monthly expenditure and get all upset...

Hot Guys

Just then, I conducted a Counselling session with my bestfriend, Weirdo.

After our session, I allowed our conversation to drift to to other lighter topics. And we talk about our past time favorite topic: HOT GUYS

She was telling me about this TV show that she has watched called "Arrow" and how the lead cast, esp Oliver Queen, and then his sister's boyfriend, Colton Haynes was even be looks,  a perfect Abercrombie model face.

I thought they were alright... They definitely had a face and physique to make any girl Drool (get wet), but I thought Colton (Weirdo's favorite) looked like a narcissistic jerk. And I told Weirdo that Spanky was the best and I wouldn't trade Spanky for either one of them (or them both)

That's weird.... Have I changed? OR am I just tired? I really 100% was not interested in those men. I only wanted to sleep, then workout and finish my projects... Hm...

Then Weirdo told me she was just about to Facebook search Spanky.. Hands off my man!

Or maybe it's because I don't like blonde men. I still would check out C. Ronaldo.
....

Spanky Spanky

I have taken my approaches and written some version of the story I am about to tell，but everything would just be a recap of the phone conversation that I had with Spanky about what happened to my vocal lessons. So instead of retelling a story, the following is an add-on to what I wanted to tell Spanky:

My dad is a workaholic, ever since I was a child, I remember he was always at the office, and barely spent time with me and my mom. On the occasions that he will, he would always talk about how he would always have time for me if i wanted to chat. Whenever he would teach me Chinese, he would always complain that if I weren't his daughter he wouldn't be spending this much time explaining and helping me understand Chinese 100 times the effort into teaching me compared to his students. However, it always felt not enough, it felt like my momma was much more patient that my dad and she spent much more time with me...

Growing up, I always had a concept of "not enough" and "why is daddy working after office hours? "He would always take up these weird projects, and there were so many, and they just kept coming, sometimes it would be designing a dozen of complex buildings, a school yard, writing 100000 word articles, book launches, guest speaking...In retrospect, I didn't appreciate the fact that it was my dad who puts food on the table (literally too), who could afford our annual vacations, live in the place I call home, pay for my years and years of my tuition fees..

Now, I have a boyfriend, who is working all the time, the childhood issues of "not getting enough" would resurface. There are so many projects that Spanky has taken up too. On one hand, I am proud of his achievement at this age, on the other hand, I'm annoyed that he is so devoted in work and feeling that I am fighting for scraps of his attention. So then I would complain to my friends, all the stuff that I can't stand about Spanky:

He would call once a week and text once in 2 days...

He only calls upon my requests....

He would never call on constitutive nights...

He promises he would call, but then forgets....

He promised he would visit once every 2 weeks, yet he only visits once per month....

When we are physically together its great, when he is back in China, it's two separate lives again...

It's always work work work, is he just making this up to avoid me?

So then I would get a lot of responses...And for the longest time ever, not a lot of people have heard the happy moments that I've shared with Spanky. For as much as they know, I've become more quiet about my relationship nowadays.

It was until yesterday, this girl in my singing class was in a conversation with our vocal coach about her previous relationship problems, and feels like it was her ex that treated her the best compared to other guys that she's dated afterwards. The reason why they broke up as because she wanted more out of the relationship, more of his time, more of a "loving feeling"... My vocal coach thought her case was pretty similar to mine and told me to hear it out.

[Because I woke up at 7 am, I would really like to head back to bed before my class at noon, so I'm going to cut this short and give a wrap up]

Spanky loves me. 

Spanky loves work. 

Spanky is willing to call me more upon my request.

Spanky tries his best to balance me and work out. 

Spanky is very dedicated to work.

When we are together, he is willing to reduce his workload, and do it later.

Spanky prefers the simple life. 

Spanky likes to help people. 

Spanky doesn't spend a lot on himself, but is willing to spend a lot on me.

Spanky gets excited upon seeing me. 

Spanky has a big heart and is tolerant on all the stuff I have done to annoy him. 

Spanky is not that bad bad. 

but he should drink more water :)

In addition: My vocal coach said that a relationship with too much loving feeling is not good, either the guy is creating a false sense of romance or that the honeymoon period will fade after 6 months, leaving an emptier feeling. When a relationship gives out less frission/stimulation in the beginning, then it may be more likely to last, because the drop wouldn't be as significant.
What are your views?

To do list

To do list:

1. Tell Spanky about Samsung Galaxy Gear

2. a. Get tickets to Shanghai (dec 19)
    b. Tell Spanky to get tickets for Shanghai (dec 19)

3. a. Tell Spanky to go to SZ on week of Nov 18
    b. Meet the parents on that week
    c. Set up china bank account in SZ

4. Tell Spanky to get tickets to HK on week of Nov 25th

5. Discuss about Russian Japanese Restaurant (Fri & Sat)

6. Don't forget work on sat (p3) and Sun (bernice)

7. Get Info about setting up a sole proprietor limited company in hk

8. Get Info on Microfund from Robert

The frugal Protein muffins

I will be on my own real soon after graduation. No more financial allowances from mommy and daddy.

So here's a first attempt to cut costs:

I love my protein muffins. It's basically a staple for me. Unfortunately, protein power ain't cheap, and I've got to have my protein powder... So I've come up with a new ratio of the egg to protein powder ratio 8:2 + the usual (bananas +almonds + raisins)

Result:

Really soft, chewy and yummy :p
Even tastier than before =]

This is not a relationship

This is not a relationship

I thought being in a relationship will make me one step closer to the person that I want to bring.

I thought being in a relationship can solve the underlying issues that I had with myself and my contact with the world.

My definition of a relationship is very simple. Two people who are absolutely in love with each other.

Whenever I see something cool like a YouTube video of " journey of a guitar solo" or batdad, the first person that I thought of sharing this too would be Spanky. Whenever I go play one on one basketball or go jogged, I would think about how it would be if I were to play basketball with my Spanky. If I were upset with something about my day, I would want to talk about it with Spanky and cry infront of my ipad because it's difficult enough maintaining a relationship in two parts of the world.

However, in Spanky 's world, everything just seems to be closed in like a rubber ball. I cannot get my thoughts across and his feelings he will never share.

For many  months, I've been unsatisfied with what we call a relationship. I have been able to get my thoughts out over and over again. Sometimes just when I think he understands and the relationship improves, he goes back to being the old unreachable, too busy emotionless workaholic

'no, no no,  the relationship is not about you. It's about us.' Spanky would always say.  He knows what I want, but he never tells me what he wants. So I think it's OK to be a bit greedy to listen to me talk about my day... Because I love him and he loves me too right?

Well, it's been difficult enough to even reach Spanky in th past years. What makes me think I get the privilege to tall to him now that we are together.

I am deeply hurt and offended by what he told me through Skype tonight. "birds of a feather flock together". How can I girl who cannot figure out her own way in life, actually find someone who can help her out of her ditch? How can a problematic person attractive another sane person?

Many times I think that we are just two lonely hearts who just happens to have a conversation topic... In the short run its fine, but do I really want to spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn' treasure me and take interest in anytime in my life?
Tbc guitar class

Rejection

[This aritcle may contain a lot of typos and eorros. I can't be bothered to read it again.]

I remember my first marketing teacher once said "A career in marketing is like a career in acting. Sometimes you will fly high and sometimes, things just never seem your way"

Maybe today is just not my day. It started with our group meeting for product management... We had to come up with an existing product that is new to the market AND had to exist in Hong Kong. So I thought about nicotine cigarettes, McDonald's menu, the Kindle... And yes.. Actually, I threw a lot of ideas out. Maybe they were not the best ideas, but at least I was bringing something to the table. However, one by one they were heavily criticized. Looking at it from an objective POV, it was fine, but I felt attacked... Am I that fragile?

Then during class time, my teacher gave us back our individual assignments for Product Management. This is the one and only project that I took seriously ever. I felt like I was a marketing officer myself when I searched for data ,analyzed the data, compared it with rivals, plotted charts and summarized...the one and only piece of work that I took so much pride in because I haven't worked this hard on a piece of homework till date in university. Staying up late at night to tabularize results almost seemed like a lot of fun, because I also felt proud of myself for taking responsibility in my schoolwork.

Then as my name was called, my name scanned straight towards my grade 10.5/20. Wow, that’s like merely over 50%. I quickly put my paper down and started messaging Spanky. No reply. I turned around to continue our group discussion. No one was interested in continuing this discussion. Oh well, I’ll just have a look at my 17 page essay again.

As I flipped through the pages, the smile from the corner of my mouth started succumbing to gravity. My teacher circled a lot of things, my catorgory was wrong, somehow the brand of my product was circled throughout the entire essay, this was circled that was circled….My concept was really wrong. By the time my mistakes in the my project seeped into my mind, there was a grim look on my face.

Sometimes, I envy those who have a façade over their faces. I really wish I could hide a unhappy face or teary eyes whenever I felt down, upset or sad. Is that called having a high EQ? Or just good at putting on a face? Or maybe I wish I didn’t give a fuck about what others think? But why do I always end up giving a fuck about what others think?

Being the frustrated person that I am, I went to the gym.

Oops I forgot to bring my wallet.

Then I went home and then I went to the gym. Somehow, the sickness from yesterday still hasn’t cleared away. It really affected my workout, and when I was halfway done, I stopped. I felt exhausted and when I left…I didn’t feel that good rush of hormones after a workout.

I then had to quickly change and leave for this 8 lesson Acting Workshop that I signed up for a month ago.

When I had reached the door, I couldn’t find my name in the register. The lady nicely explained to me outside the classroom that their were some unsuccessful applicants for this workshop and that they would be notified too. I, however, did not receive anything.

So I was criticized for my marketing ideas, my project wasn’t as ideal as I thought it was, not being able to attend a course in high demand…well..life is full of ups and downs. I remember seeing a “The voice” last week, this one judge was the contestant’s singing teacher. When the grades were released, the teacher gave his student an all time low grade, as a lesson for the student, that even if he tries his best, sometimes life just chooses not to reward us. Building on to that,

Screw this, I don’t need a good conclusion. Im going to call cc.

The argument pt 2

Cont

Then the room became silent. There were tears in his eyes. Spanky was always a cry baby, his tears were long immune to me, but this one was different. There was a type of sorrow that revealed that went deep with him. A strong emotion of past memories flashed in front of him. Memories that i thought he put down a long time ago, 

Ive knew I've cross the line. In fact, i don't ever throw things when i am angry. The only time I've thrown things was when i was 8 and ive throw some oranges from the fruit bowl.

Then Spanky spoke " blah blahbkah blah blah...."

Just like Spanky, i don't hear words, i hear emotions. 

The only thoughts in my mind was that I didnt want to lose Spanky. --- I just wanted to catch his attention. The more commotion i caused, the more he would notice me..and then eventually,ill have to climb that ladder of dramatizing things..then he would listen...shouting felt good, its was always  how i would express myself.----

--/I didn't want to lose Spanky. Ive only attended one wedding my whole life, it belonged to my cousin Fengfeng. A year later, ive heard from my dad that they divorced. It was because FF was always travelling and heard hat his wife felt left out and isolated, and there goes a over hundred thousand rmb worth of a wedding.  This is not the only story either, my vocal coach had similar problems with his ex, he chose me to the the party to eress this thoughts with when he complained thatshe would always complain that he would not spend enough time with her and no matter how he explained to her, she just wouldn't understand. Back then, i didn't understand enough about love to understand, so i took his side. Funny how its much easier observing the relationship of others. ..... One year later, they got back.... He didnt tell me why though.

---/I didnt want to lose Spanky. Somehow our love felt so comfortable that it felt like i could take anything for granted. Like my parents. Te only time could ever express my love was to my parents. Although i probably do a shitty job of doing that too. For that split second,the unconditional love that i thought i got from Spanky was not that unconditional at all. 

-...........………

In retrospect, no one will ever treat me as well as daddy would. I guess it took an argument with another loved one of the opposite sex to find out.

I hate learning through mistakes. 

I hate being aware of my problems when mistakes occur. How many mistakes in love and work in the past to make me the person i am today? 

Alot. 

From one mistake, i sudden start connecting the dots of all the things that could be potential problems. 

1. I want to have more time to spend with my friends. I want more meaningful friendships

Problem: im self centered

No time

Too shy to expand my circle of friends

2. I want to engage in more musical circles. Because i like emerging myself in street or popular music. More than that i love performing. 

Problem: dont enjoy practicing

Low motivation

Wish cc were here

3. I want to solve my tantrum throwing

How to solve:

Broaden my horizons

Enjoy life, enjoy quality time spent with various people on various events

So that my world can expand, and the initial triggering event will be so small in comparison to my world and it would not upset me.

To conclude,

I love Spanky a lot and i love myself a lot. I want to stop throwing tantrums for the benefit of both of us. I want us to be happy. 

The argument

Today I had a(nother)  flight with Spanky. Unlike the previous ones, I became physical and threw Due's airportsilence  headphones to a corner. 

I actually did it really rationally. The headphones were not mine, they didn't seem too expensive and I wanted to make a scene. The headphones landed at the perfect spot near the wall, it hit against both the door and wall, so the sound made a bigger audio impact. The headphones also broke into two parts. Yes! I think to myself, I've finally caused a scene.

Then I started shouting. Spanky quickly got off the Skype call and came rushing to me like what I've wanted. After a minute of so of back and forth shouting, we heard a slam at the front door, the people downstairs evacuated.

Tbc out of batt