Someone that I used to know

On my way to the gym tonight, I passed by the usual vending machine where all the street dancers gathered to freestyle during the night time. Our campus had a joint university dance performance, although I missed it, it did motivate me to practiced a few of my rusted moves on some Tyga music...

Infact, it even reminded me of a hip hop dancer who I used to date 2 years ago. I know he lives in my neighborhood, and that he practices near those vending machines (it was actually where we met). I've even seen him, once...or twice on the footbridge...Once I even saw him holding hands with, I assume was his girlfriend (who looked exactly like the girl who he celebrated his birthday with on his instagram) (Not that I, have his instagram) I was already dating and in love with Spanky at that time, but somehow, that image of them holding hands still flashes itself in my brain...This is why I only look at empty spaces when I walk on my footbridge now. I choose to not see anything (that upsets me)

Anyways, I thought I would keep my eyes out for familiar faces (some of my old colleagues freestyle there too)...and Lord and behold, the guy who broke my heart 2 years ago was there.

Actually, I was too exhausted from my day to care about some guy who I once dated briefly a very long time ago. At most, if he sees me, I'll say a hi.

However, it was his reaction that...really made me want to blog in the first place...

 Although he took his glasses off when he was dancing to (his weird electronic + hammering + drilling + construction NOISE) music, he recolonized me and grooved towards where I was heading (I was heading straight and he was heading sideways) his eyes never off from me, squinting to get a closer look to see if who he saw was someone who he think he just saw. uh-oh, I'm too hungry to think, why didn't I eat more?? I mirrored him and squinted back. This all happened in a duration of seconds, but we did keep migrating to a point (or to each other as observers would call it) , eyes on each other until we were so close that we could whisper and still hear each other.

This was when I shifted my glance and sped up my walking. Admitting that I was calm would be a lie (although it was mainly because of the shock of seeing someone that I used to know), because 5 minutes later, I lost my gym card ==" Damnit, that's 50 bucks down the drain.

In retrospect, I used to think that dating guys in quantity would be cool and that I would have a good "resume" of guys, but I guess I never thought about the consequences of seeing them afterwards...
Somehow I thought it would always be a "haha, look at me now, I am blah blah blah successful", but instead I felt uncomfortable, will he talk to me after I leave the gym? What should I say when he asks about my singing dream? Should I tell him that I am dating now? But that will be boasting? WIll he still think that I haven't got over him?

As uncomfortable as I felt about a person who I once cared so much about; it also made me realized how uncomfortable it must be for Spanky,to pester him about information on the people whom he once loved so much, but the relationship just didn't make it due to various reasons.

I learned (today). I'm sorry Spanky, I'll try to be less insecure of myself, and ask you less about your ex,(es), because although past feelings could never be erased, the past is the past and  we'll get over it. It's the present that really matters :)

Lawrence & Spanky hip hop remix

Here and now

Yesterday, I was given an opportunity to role play a therapist - client session for my counseling class. Afterwards, my assessor gave us a collective comment.

Something that really stood out for me was when she said, a lot of depressed people often look too much into the past; while people with anxiety look too much into the future. Then she stressed on the here and now state of being.

This reminded me a lot of the raisin experiment during the last counseling lecture . I experienced the here and now effect, it felt really relaxing, almost sleepy.

Anyways, I think the sky is beautiful today. I took a moment to stop and look at the beautiful sky above my campus grounds.

Dependence

I want to be independent. I want to be able to completely take care of myself regardless of my environment. 

I want to be financially independent, enough to the point where my income can satisfy my expenditure.

I want to be intellectually independent and I want to increase my opportunities to absorb the wisdom that will propel me to be the independent person.

I think with those mentioned above. I might be able to be one step closer to achieving self actualization.

- - -
Tbc

Graduation

Seeing people in graduation gowns (penguins outfits) never meant anything for me. College seemed nothing more than a place to bypass time, so that I could figure things out before I entered into the labor world.

This is exactly why 2 years, dressing up in a gown for my graduation ceremony in HKU space seemed like a waste of my time. I had a singing competition later in the evening. I don't want to waste my morning getting my pictures taken in a community college.

Currently,  I am in my final year in uni. I've been invited for a few photo taking sessions with my senior friends.   Talking to them gave me a realization that this would be me soon. That I will be graduating and leaving  the education world to a cruel cruel official cubicle working 9 to 6, alternative Saturdays and occasional overtimes, with no financial allowances from my parents and still residing with my parents.

So I've made a choice.  My path is mine.  I do weigh my consequences when I make decisions, but for the first time, I want to live independent of my parents and work in a place that makes both me and my parents proud.

I want to start a business of my own. I have a clear vision of what it is a lot I can see so many twists and turns and obstacles in my path. But oddly, I actually feel excited. I'm starting to see the world differently now. Like the role of my relationship with the world has changed from user to creator.  And I anticipate every day to come.

 It's both good and bad. The bad is that I am constantly tired. Maybe I'm not used to thinking so much... I also can't fall asleep at night. And I wake up super early in the mornings :(

I don't know how graduation story got to this. I should probably change the subject name.

Good News

Continuing off of last night's entry..My mom is feeling a lot better. it could be because of these 3 reasons:

1. My dad returned from Shanghai

2. I started sharing my visions into the future

3. I told her to look forward to grandkids...

While, I was having my normal chicken leg of the meal. My mom came up to my all excited, tell me about how she used to be the person in charge of the product's development life cycle. How it went from product testing, to ingredient testing, to patents.....

Funny, just last night I was thinking about how I could consult my mom on chemistry on my vision into the future last night, she thought of the same thing...

Then she went on into parenting, and how and what I should feed my kids so that they'll grow tall and big...well, it's a little bit too soon for that...but I'm glad to see sparkle in my mom's eyes.. :)

Out of Reach

I dont like waking up in the middle of the night due to hunger, to find the roach problem in the kitchen to magnify. Sometimes an unsolved problem turns malicious. Ive turned a blind eye to this problem in May thinking it'll get better in the winter. I was wrong. Its survival of the fittest here. Its totally creepy. Here I am in a corner staring at a flying cockroach with long whiskers. Its way up in the ceiling, it flies and it feels like I've killed a lot for tonight. But somehow this roach in plain sight disturbs me. Im scared. What if crawls to my room?

My momma used to always kill roaches in midnight. Now she  decided to sleep in. My dad was in Shanghai for a few days so no one was always scrubbing the place. One weeek ago, I thought the problem with roach problem was alright....

Spanky suggested hiring a terminator back then in june, but then my parents worry about the food contaminating and the hasstle of moving things out of the kitchen. 

A further elaboration of my worries would be, what would my parents do when I move out? I told my mom I was at that age where I had to move out. Although she understood, I still worry about her health, her further degree of loneliness, how empty the house would be...I often would tell Spanky how I feel about all of this, I wonder what he really thinks inside?