SpankyPanda without the Spanky

Spankypanda without the Spanky.

05:19 caught up in watching 6 episode of Korean drama. *sigh* my fault for walking in on my momma watchin her favorite program on rerun. After one episode of 来自星星的你 I got hooked.

The protagonist in the story is an actress. She is gorgeous on the outside and strong (and) a little bit whack on the inside. Something about her made me fall in love on first sight.
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[16 episodes in 2 days]

During these 2 days, I've also been able sent out job applications, take passport photos, tan, DIY household stuff, make worksheets for students, read, practice  ukulele  and increase my octave a little bit more... Eat steak... (yum)

However it's not the stuff that I've been able to do that is worth the blog, but it's my passion for life. I've regained my love for life. :D :D

I feel so carefreee..

Oh yes, where was i.. Growing up in a society where relationships seem to be the biggest and most importantly thing in mt environment, I've always felt like it defined who I was. When I was15, I started join various competitions, cooking, dance, singing.. I even landed an MC gig and host gig for morning assemblys and campus TV. As I grew older, grades seemed more important, so I worked hard on that. However, no matter how much I did, I was always single..

So I decided that I should grow out of my ugly ducking shell and do something practical to "be proven dateable", so I put on makeup, put on skimpy clothes, joined extra curricular activities, socialize more..
*sigh* it just always felt like I needed an opposite sex in my life to get myself out of misery...

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So at the age of 23, I finally had a boyfriend. and how did it feel? Well.. It didn't feel bad, but it wasn't great. It felt comfortable. It felt like 2 very good friends being with each other.. But, i started changing.. I started seeing less of my girl friends, changed my habits, became socially awakad, didn't care about my appearance, started to feel hopeless of my future, singing ... , eventually the light in my eyes disappeared... I was embarrassed to take selfies, or to be in a photo.. And when I kept seeing myself with out graduation photos, I've had it, i had to do something about it...

Meanwhile, Spanky, well, after a year and a half, what does a guy do, well, he just becomes himself on a period . *cough cough * easily irritated, stingy, busy with work..

So I took a gamble and ended the relationship.

[epic water drop sound]

It wasn't an easy few months following the break up. I still loved Spanky despite lying to him that I didn't love him.

So I called him.

Everyday.

For a month.

Soon I watched as he grew out of the relationship and made more and more plans with his friends.

And me? No job, and all the friends I drove away?

One must not dwell on the past.

The month after was.. Well very lonely... The days were long and the nights were.. Well.. Quiet..

So staring at my empty Skype logs (actually, its not really empty, there's annoying tom, but that counts as empty, hehe) ,waiting for Spanky to come online, i switch my app to ChangBa.. (a karaoke app).. And my nights were very cheerful indeed..

Happy ending right?

Well sometimes. Cuz on other nights, there's just this churning inside of me.. I just really want to tell my day to Spanky, I really want to hear him voice..

And whenever i hit that call button, whether it gets through or not, it always leaves me at a situation worse than I was already in... Why? Because I can feel and hear a Spanky that is talking to me out of generosity, out of sympathy? Out of wanting to hook up when he is in town?... Oh well, its late at night and time has passed, so ill just get some sleep...

And then i forget my misery and repeat the pattern.. Another day.

06:10

Actually, I just witnessed a sun rise.. Damnit, I took an hour writing this shit?

Anyways, in order to get a good mornings sleep before my momma wakes up. I shall finish, or else i cannot sleep.

I invented this awesome matcha, drink, its so yummy, and has lots of caffeine but gives you terrible diarrhea. So that's why im still not hungry, i mean sleepy..

Actually, im really hungry, I want steak... With tomato and onion sauce... Arghhh..

I mean happy, but currently hungry. Im happy, I took a selfie and my eyes glittered, that's why I know I'm happy. Watching Korean drama makes me happy :D

For real its not just the Korean drama. I've also been reading this Buddhists book..

Oh, and another cockroach trap fail.. Arghh, im so annoyed.. I swear man these are mutated 113 ape virused cockroach... [angry face]

06:13